• 2 oz Absolut Citron
• 1 oz Grand Marnier
• 2 oz sweetened Lemon juice
• 1 oz Club soda

Mixing instructions:

Serve in a chilled cocktail glass. Lemon and sugar the rim. Stir and Strain.

• 3 oz Tomato juice
• 1 dash Lemon juice
• 1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
• 2-3 drops Tabasco sauce
• 1 wedge Lime
• Ice Cubes

Mixing instructions:

Shake all ingredients (except lime wedge) with ice and strain into an old-fashioned glass over ice cubes. Add salt and pepper to taste. Add the wedge of lime and serve.

‘No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold.’

She said she didn’t believe him so she called the bar. ‘Hello,’ she said, ‘I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: ‘Are your urinals covered in gold?’

To which she heard the bartender said, ‘Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone.’

“Sure” says the barman, “but what’s bothering you?”

“You don’t want to know,” says the man, “but I’ve just found out my son is gay”. He has his drink and leaves.

The next day, he’s back in the bar. “Please barman, do you remember the drink you poured me yesterday?”

“Yes,” says the barman

“Well, please pour me a double one of those today.”

The barman lifts his eyebrows quizzingly, pours the drink and asks what has now gone wrong.

The man takes his drink, gulps it down and confesses: “My second son is also gay.”

The following day, the man enters the bar once again and this time asks for the drink to be three times the strength.

“Hell,” says the barman, “is there nobody in your house that likes women?”

“Unfortunately yes,” says the man: “my wife.”

A green horned northerner went down to Texas on vacation. One evening he decided to go for a drink at his hotel’s bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he calls out, “Barkeep, I’d like a beer.”

The barkeep asks, “You want a Texas size beer?”

Without hesitation the northerner answers, “Yep! I want it Texas sized.”

The barkeep goes to get the beer and brings back a barrel of beer. The northerner looks in surprise at the size of his beer. “Well, if I’m going to drink all this I better get some popcorn.”

“Texas size?” The barkeep ask.

Nodding the northerner says, “Yep! Texas size.”

The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of popcorn and puts it beside the northerner. A long time later the barrel of beer is almost empty and the popcorn gone. The northerner sees the barkeep and motioning him over slurs out, “Where’s the bathroom?”

The barkeep points down a hallway. “Just go down that hall and take the first door on the left.”

The Northerner stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.

“HELP! HELP!” He cries out. The barkeep runs into the room and turns on the light.

The northerner in a panic cries out. “Don’t flush it! Don’t flush it!”

A green horned northerner went down to Texas on vacation. One evening he decided to go for a drink at his hotel’s bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he calls out, “Barkeep, I’d like a beer.”

The barkeep asks, “You want a Texas size beer?”

Without hesitation the northerner answers, “Yep! I want it Texas sized.”

The barkeep goes to get the beer and brings back a barrel of beer. The northerner looks in surprise at the size of his beer. “Well, if I’m going to drink all this I better get some popcorn.”

“Texas size?” The barkeep ask.

Nodding the northerner says, “Yep! Texas size.”

The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of popcorn and puts it beside the northerner. A long time later the barrel of beer is almost empty and the popcorn gone. The northerner sees the barkeep and motioning him over slurs out, “Where’s the bathroom?”

The barkeep points down a hallway. “Just go down that hall and take the first door on the left.”

The Northerner stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.

“HELP! HELP!” He cries out. The barkeep runs into the room and turns on the light.

The northerner in a panic cries out. “Don’t flush it! Don’t flush it!”

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty of your best single malt scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The man says, “well you’d drink them that fast if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?”

The man says, “Fifty cents.”

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says ‘You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.’

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me sir,’ he starts, ‘but I noticed you look just like me!’

The second man turns around and says ‘Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?’

‘I’m from Dublin’, second man stunned says, ‘Me too! What street do you live on?’, ‘McCarthy street’, second man replies, ‘Me too! What number is it?’, the first man announces, ‘162′, second man shocked says, ‘Me too! What are your parents names?’, first man replies, ‘Connor and Shannon’, second man awestruck says, ‘Mine too! This is unbelievable!’

So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks ‘What’s new today?’

‘Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.’

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,

“Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied: “Cause you’re ugly.”

After the World Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a drink.

The guy from Corona sat down and said, “Hey, senor, I would like the world’s best ale, a Corona.”

The bartender dusted off a bottle and gave it to him.

The guy from Australia bawled, “I’d like the best goddanged suds in the world - give me a Foster.”

The bartender opened a Foster’s and handed it over.

The guy from Heineken stepped up and demanded, “Ya! Giff me der best brew. Ein Heineken!”

Finally the Budweiser President ordered: “I’ll have a Coke, thanks.”

The bartender was taken aback but plonked a Coke on the bar.

The other brewery presidents looked over at him and asked, “Why aren’t you drinking a Bud or Bud Lite?”

The Budweiser President took a swig and replied, “I figured if you guys weren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”